The things I can't say

Part of my Wilde Resolution that I mentioned an entry or two back is about giving expression to my feelings. I am the type of person who tends to internalize major emotions (just ask my Mother). I push it aside, let it lie in wait, until I’m overwhelmed and it all comes boiling to the surface at the same time. This is something I’m working on.

That being said, the words below have been building in me for a few weeks now, probably even longer then that. This is something I can’t say to this person, I wouldn’t feel comfortable, but it’s something I feel I need to get off my chest. It seems to me that’s one of the reasons I have this little blog here.

This is one of the more personal things I have shared here, and this is the only time I am ever going to ask that no comments be made on this post. I’m posting this is for me, because its something I need to let out.

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There are so many things I want to say to you, to tell you. My heart is heavy with the things left unsaid, but that isn’t the kind of relationship we have. That’s never been the kind of relationship we’ve had. We don’t really talk about real issues. I wish I were brave enough to tell you these things in person.

If I’m going to be completely honest, a part of me has always been intimidated by you. It sounds silly I know, but on some level its true. I was never really sure of what to say to you, what to talk to you about. Most of the time, in the past couple of years especially, you seemed too distracted and overwhelmed to even hear me, but if there was one time where I really needed you to listen, even if its the only time you ever really hear me, it’s right now.

I can remember how I used to idolize you when I was a kid. I would brag about you to all my friends. You were one of my heros. I was so proud of you. I was proud of what you had accomplished. When I look at you now, and when I think of you now, I can’t seem to get that feeling back. You’re lost. The person I thought you were when I was a kid isn’t there anymore and this makes me sad.

I want to be able to look at you with pride again. I want to be able to see someone that can be a hero to the child in me once more. I want to see someone who can be a hero to the person I am now.

I know the world isn’t what it was when I was young. As you grow older, things change, everything becomes a little more complicated. I know what you’re going through right now is far from easy. The burden on your shoulders is not an easy one to be carrying. The issues at hand here are heavy and I don’t mean to diminish the struggle you have to endure, but I want you to know that I still believe in you. You are strong. You overcame obstacles and worked hard to achieve those accomplishments that made me idolize you when I was a kid, and now you need to use that strength and you need to work hard again.

In the end, what it comes down to is this; I’m not the one who needs a hero anymore your children need the hero. As hard as this is for you, it’s even harder for them. They can’t truly understand why this is happening. They need you. They need the hero now. The road ahead is daunting, and I think you have every right to be uncertain and apprehensive of what may lie ahead, but we are all here for you. You might be scared, but right now you need to brave. Your kids need you to do the right thing.

My heart hurts for you and for everyone else, but I still believe in the hero that you are, the person that lies in wait within you. Now you need to believe in it again. You need to step up and take action. I love you and I am confident that you will make it through this and come out an even stronger and better man than before.